Andy shares his funny stoma stories

Andy Fletcher
Andy Fletcher
When I say they are funny, they weren’t at the time, but looking back, I still giggle just thinking about them ….

Ever since I have had my stoma created, some funny things have happened to me relating to it. When I say they are funny, they weren’t at the time, but looking back, I still giggle just thinking about them ….

Here are three examples …. I’d love to hear yours. Don’t be shy, remain anonymous if you wish, but hit the comments button below and share your embarrassing humorous story!

1)  Just after I had my stoma created, I was still getting used to cleaning and changing appliances, so much so that I rushed to change just to get to the supermarket. After about ten minutes, I noticed the staining appearing on my clothes and realised I had forgotten to put a new bag on. As this was month or so past the operation, things were very messy to say the least. It was also summer, so I only had a t-shirt on. I’ve never abandoned my trolley and run so fast back home in my life! – Took me a fair few weeks before I returned to that supermarket …

2)  Once whilst at work, I took the easy way down the stairs and took the lift. Because I was on my own, I took the opportunity to rearrange my clothing as the bag felt uncomfortable. As soon as I lifted my shirt, the bag literally fell off, making a nasty “splat” sound on the carpeted lift floor. Naturally my tummy was not having a good day, so the stoma continued to spurt its contents everywhere … more on the floor, over the walls and onto the mirror in the lift. Next to the lift on the ground floor is a disabled toilet, so once I reached the bottom, I jammed the door open and spent the next twenty minutes or so cleaning both the lift and me whilst praying that no-one would try to use what is a very busy lift. I must have gone through a complete roll of towel cleaning up but by then I was covered in my own excrement … so I had no choice but to drive home. The problem was my car keys were upstairs in my office! – so, I covered myself over the best I could, raced up to get my keys, came down and rushed home.

Once home, I stripped off at the door, only to be pounced on by the dog, he can “smell” something has happened, so I have to try to fend him off whilst undressing then running upstairs to the shower. A complete change of clothing later, I put the washing on and got back in the car.

Once I put the seat belt on I realise I just did something very silly – the seatbelt strap was covered in my own poo! So, I have to go inside, grab some cleaning materials and clean the seat belt, go back indoors to again fight the dog off whilst stripping off for another shower and complete change of clothing!!

Anyway, I rush back to work feeling very smug with myself for getting away with what could have been a very difficult situation. Once I reach my office, one of the girls walks in and said very loudly “blimey – smells like someone took a dump in the lift”

It took me a good hour to stop laughing. They still have no idea what happened to this day.

3) It was a really hot day recently and as an “on the spur of the moment decision” I decided to visit the local pub and sit in the beer garden whilst having a pint and reading a book. I can’t remember the last time I did this, so thought it would make a nice change. Anyway, with it being a nice day, I was wearing a t-shirt and cream coloured shorts.

One beer turned into several and about seven hours after I arrived, I stood up totally oblivious to the world and drunk as anything only to discover that the front of my t-shirt and shorts are totally ruined by a massive leak. More to this, the supposed leak was also down my legs, I was covered in it!  My biggest problem was when I realised the stoma bag was missing …. It had “dropped off” but I have no idea when it happened, or even where. I was so drunk I just never noticed.

I’ve never been as drunk as that before and doubt I ever will again, but one thing for certain is that I had a stoma bag on at one point at the pub as I clearly remember emptying it, so I don’t know if it dropped off in the beer garden, toilets or even at the bar itself. I know it will be a very long time before I go back there again!

So, three of my most embarrassing moments … you must have one or two…. Having a stoma is a serious business, but we all have a story to tell. Share yours with everyone! I look forward to reading them.

Anonymous